Depression

I am feeling pretty low right now. And not just because of romantic things. I should point out that though this blog is largely focused on my love life (or lack of) most of the time I don’t think about it very much. I’m not obsessed with finding a girlfriend as this blog might imply but I would like to find one.

Last time I spoke about the possibility of a girl called Sally liking me. For some reason my mind went on overdrive about this and I thought far too much about it. I took the one bit of hope in my life and became a little obsessed with it. I tried to arrange to go for a coffee with her, thinking that could be the opportunity for a “first date” sort of thing. She said she was pretty busy but seemed keen, saying it would be nice to meet up and hoping I had a good day. Then suddenly she got busier and postponed the meet up by a week.

It was the time I spent with Sally in tutorial today though that suggested the truth. A male friend of hers touched her arm in such a way that I knew he likes her. And from her look back, I think she might like him back. Which is fine really because the possibility of a strong relationship with her was pretty far-fetched and he would make a far better boyfriend for her than I ever would. Mind you I am pretty bad at reading what other people think. There’s still a little hope there but I’m not going to get myself too excited about it.

Though it didn’t bother me hugely, the whole thing took away my one little bit of hope. I think that I let the thought obsess me to fill up the emptiness inside. I am nothing. I feel I have no purpose to life. My housemates ignore me most of the time, I don’t even get invited out most of the time when they go to places. And somehow I seem to have a distinct lack of friends outside of them. To make matters worse, the one piece of security I have, the house I’m living in, was taken away from me. Or will be. Due to complicated reasons the house I hoped to live in for another two years will no longer be ours from the start of July. So I now have to find a new house. I’m unsure whether I should go along with my current housemates who pretty much ignore me or move in with complete strangers which might be an even worse situation if that were possible.

There is literally no purpose to my life at the moment. I have little to do, I don’t graduate for years and I rarely see anyone. I’m not sure how I became this pathetic hermit. The trouble is I’m too far into my uni course to do all those things freshers do to meet more people, joining societies and the like. It’s too late.

I really need to find some purpose to my life and maybe then things will be better. I might start volunteering in a charity shop as something to do that will make a small difference to the community. It’s worth a try.

I am properly depressed right now and it is horrible. I hope I can escape soon.

Steve