Regeneration

It has been over six months since my last post which is awful but then again that’s the whole point of this blog. Occasional posts in my long quest to find love.

The last time I wrote a post, way back in February, my life was at an all time low. I have never felt as awful as I did back then. Fortunately things have changed and life is ok right now. The housing situation was fine and I ended up having a brilliant Summer, which included three different holidays: one with my friend, one with my family and one with my university. It was an awesome summer and it pretty much turned my life around.

So, plenty of opportunities to meet girls then? Yes, but nothing has changed in the romance department. I’ve now been single for nearly three years and have not received the slightest bit of romantic interest. I am such a loser.

At the beginning of the year I told you about being interested in a girl called Sally (although that is not her real name- all of the names here are changed because it’s a secret online identity. A bit like a lame Batman). I thought that I had competition for Sally with another guy but I’ve since come to the conclusion that he might be gay.

Sally and I are kind of close during term time and I regularly suspect that we could end up together. But every time we get close we are separated for a long period of time. We got close until about Easter and then the ridiculously long university summer holiday began and we didn’t see each other for 2 months. Then in September the new term began and I saw her virtually every day. But then six weeks ago our course work experience began and we went our separate ways for the time being. Maybe one day things will happen with Sally but I feel we need to build up to a relationship if it is going to happen. But seeing as though from July she will be one of my new housemates, there’s more chance than ever.

Currently though I am considering taking some rash and rather unlike me action. I finish the six week work experience this week and during this time I’ve got close to a student who is also doing work experience there but is in the year below me. For the purposes of this blog, her name is Lilla. In the unlikely event that I manage to get her alone and actually build up the courage to do it, I am going to ask Lilla if she would like to go on a date with me. The chances of success of pretty damn low but I don’t really have a lot to lose. For once in my life I am determined not to be a lame duck and to actually make a positive step forward in the romantic front. Even if I get rejected at least I’ll feel good about doing something positive for once!

Wish me luck!

Steve

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Depression

I am feeling pretty low right now. And not just because of romantic things. I should point out that though this blog is largely focused on my love life (or lack of) most of the time I don’t think about it very much. I’m not obsessed with finding a girlfriend as this blog might imply but I would like to find one.

Last time I spoke about the possibility of a girl called Sally liking me. For some reason my mind went on overdrive about this and I thought far too much about it. I took the one bit of hope in my life and became a little obsessed with it. I tried to arrange to go for a coffee with her, thinking that could be the opportunity for a “first date” sort of thing. She said she was pretty busy but seemed keen, saying it would be nice to meet up and hoping I had a good day. Then suddenly she got busier and postponed the meet up by a week.

It was the time I spent with Sally in tutorial today though that suggested the truth. A male friend of hers touched her arm in such a way that I knew he likes her. And from her look back, I think she might like him back. Which is fine really because the possibility of a strong relationship with her was pretty far-fetched and he would make a far better boyfriend for her than I ever would. Mind you I am pretty bad at reading what other people think. There’s still a little hope there but I’m not going to get myself too excited about it.

Though it didn’t bother me hugely, the whole thing took away my one little bit of hope. I think that I let the thought obsess me to fill up the emptiness inside. I am nothing. I feel I have no purpose to life. My housemates ignore me most of the time, I don’t even get invited out most of the time when they go to places. And somehow I seem to have a distinct lack of friends outside of them. To make matters worse, the one piece of security I have, the house I’m living in, was taken away from me. Or will be. Due to complicated reasons the house I hoped to live in for another two years will no longer be ours from the start of July. So I now have to find a new house. I’m unsure whether I should go along with my current housemates who pretty much ignore me or move in with complete strangers which might be an even worse situation if that were possible.

There is literally no purpose to my life at the moment. I have little to do, I don’t graduate for years and I rarely see anyone. I’m not sure how I became this pathetic hermit. The trouble is I’m too far into my uni course to do all those things freshers do to meet more people, joining societies and the like. It’s too late.

I really need to find some purpose to my life and maybe then things will be better. I might start volunteering in a charity shop as something to do that will make a small difference to the community. It’s worth a try.

I am properly depressed right now and it is horrible. I hope I can escape soon.

Steve

The Return

So it’s been a little while since I last posted here and that’s awful. There’s nothing worse in the blogging world than irregular posting. I’ll try and post more often from now on, promise.

So last time I wrote, I said I had “a plan” to find out whether the girl I really liked, Lucy, fancied me or not. As was pretty much inevitable, I chickened out but I did find out the truth eventually. One night, Lucy’s friend was dictating text messages to Lucy who then forwarded them onto another friend (complicated I know). Due to technology messing up, the texts then sent out to all of her contacts. So I received a text saying something like “I don’t what to do. I quite like this guy but he’s not exactly fit or my type”. This was very confusing. I thought it was Lucy herself writing it and then wondered if it was about me and then whether that was good or bad for my chances of a relationship with her. She then informed everyone that it was a mistake but she sent a text that I think was actually meant for me. But I wasn’t sure so asked her if it was meant for me. She then thought that I meant the original message and explained that she’s never kissed a guy and doesn’t have any feelings towards me. I doubt you followed that but I was as confused as you were. All in all I found out that the girl I adored wasn’t interested.

I took this pretty hard and hit a new life low, drinking wine by myself in my room. Still, despite the devastation it was necessary to get over it. I mentioned last time I sort of liked another girl called Catherine but the chances of anything happened seemed to low I never really let my feelings for her grow. For the first time in years, there was no girl I was in love with or even really had a proper crush on. I felt pretty empty.

Then just before Christmas something happened. I went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday with a group of people I didn’t really know. I met a girl and it turned out she quite liked me. Once the evening had got going and a fair bit of alcohol had been consumed by all parties, I found myself dancing with her. Let’s call her Alice for the purposes of here. The dancing got more and more provocative and she made the universal sign for drink and we headed to the bar. Then we kissed. Twice. It was my first kiss in well over a year and I was pretty happy. However, I’d needed the toilet for a fair while and had been holding to let things develop but I really had to go. So I told her where I was going, went and then returned to find her. She pretty much ignored me from my return and after a few minutes of fruitless attempts at dancing with her again I drunkenly staggered home, not very happy.

I’m not really sure why she stopped being into me. One theory is that she thought I was going to the toilet to buy some condoms in a machine and that scared her off. I wouldn’t have been that forward. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have slept with her eventually. I really don’t know whether I would have or not but things never got to the point where I had to make that decision. It was probably for the best and only happened because we were both drunk. I haven’t seen Alice since, which I think might well be a good thing. But looking back at it, it wasn’t a completely awful experience. At least it told me that some girls are attracted to me, even if it takes a lot of alcohol!

I had a fairly dull Christmas holidays and since returning to uni have had a bout of depression due to spending most of my time alone, not by choice. I’ve kind of got over that now but I’m still pretty low. There is one flicker of hope in my romantic world though. A girl called Sally appears to be interested in me. Or I might well be taking two and two and getting six. She’s been really friendly and although she’s like that normally I think she’s been a bit more than usual with me. And I quite like her too and would go out with her if the opportunity ever arose.

The lack of a definite sign of affection worries me though. I hate this part. I had settled into a secure feeling or not being attracted to anyone and thinking I would be single for a long time. But now I don’t know whether my brain is just wishfully thinking or there is something there. How will I ever find out? Will I actually end up going out with her? Would it work out? Could she be “the one” or just a short fling? So many questions and no answers. And now the idea is in my head, it won’t go away. It would be much easier if I could forget it all, but I can’t.

Now I will have to wait and see what happens. Is this the moment when everything changes, or just another screwed up situation. We shall see. I’ll post again once there’s some sort of development but I expect that might be at some point in the next week. Feel free to add your support in the form of a comment, I need it!

Steve

The Plan

The last couple have weeks have been challenging. November has been a pretty good month so far in the grand scheme of things but there is one issue that I can’t just get out of my head. Yep, the whole relationship thing.

Normally I live huge swathes of my life without even thinking about the fact I’m single. But all of a sudden everyone else in the house is in a relationship or sort of is. John has a girlfriend at home, Emma is in a complicated relationship with someone at home, Hannah is still attempting to get with a guy who isn’t interested and now Asif has got with our mutual friend Daisy. And then there’s me, lonely little Steve. When everyone else in the house is either talking about their partner or with with them, I am sat here with little chance of a relationship any time soon.

There are two girls I’m sort of into though. Catherine, who I mentioned in the last post, is a lovely girl who I quite like. But then there’s Lucy. Ever since the start of uni I have really liked her and I might even go as far as to say that I love her. She alternates between seeming really into me and really not into me. It makes things difficult. So today I am going to find out, or at least attempt to. Here’s the “plan” I came up whilst lying in bed this morning. I would go round to her house and say “I’m doing to do something to you and I really hope it doesn’t freak you out but here goes” or at least something like that. Then I would kiss her, fairly suitably and pull away slightly. Either she would then kiss me back or be really not into it and back away. Obviously the first option would be preferable and lead to good things.

The whole plan is a bit crazy and could go so spectacularly wrong it’s unreal. If worst comes to the worst Lucy might never speak to me again and I might be humiliated amongst my friendship group. But hopefully it could go well.

So I am off to Lucy’s house now. The plan might not even go ahead. She might not be in or her housemates might be around or, the most likely option, I will chicken out. The most awkward thing is that most of my housemates are going to her house tonight so if things goes bad I’m in for an awkward evening. I shall let you know what happens fairly soon. Wish me luck!

Steve

Girl Trouble

I didn’t really expect to be posting again so soon but I have a few things I want to get off my chest. But before I do that, I would like to thank everyone that has visited this blog so far and for commenting. I really appreciate the support.

A perfectly ordinary night sat watching films at a friend’s house was spoiled when my housemate Emma dropped a bombshell and announced she is moving out at the end of the academic year. According to her, this was always the plan. She is actually rather infuriating a lot of the time so I’m not exactly devastated that she’s going but it puts the rest of us in a rubbish situation. There is rumour that another of my housemates, Asif, is also planning to leave. Either way, whoever is left will either have to move somewhere else or live with a complete stranger unless we are somehow very lucky. And despite the fact that my other female housemate Hannah doesn’t like Emma much either, I can guarantee she will be tears over this. It looks very much like even my home won’t be a pleasant place to be for the next few months and possibly even years. I’m quite stressed about this already.

I do have a little news on the romantic side too. There’s a girl I kind of like called Catherine but the chances of us ever getting together are slim. She’s the ex-girlfriend of my closest friend at university John and doesn’t seem in the slightest bit interested. Nevertheless, I have been keeping optimistic and being a little flirty and extra-nice to her. I haven’t told a soul about this either. Then yesterday we were writing a silly text message and I suggested we use the word “oral” instead or “vocal” because it would be funnier. And then Hannah said in regards to the word oral “We could just leave you in a room with Catherine”. I just nodded non-comittedly but inside I was very confused. Did she say this as a joke or was it something more? She could have been hinting that it’s really obvious that I am attracted to Catherine. If I was being really optimistic I would say that it’s a hint that Catherine is attracted to me. I’ve decided it best not to think about it too much that’s easier said than done. If anyone wishes to comment with their interpretation, please do!

Tonight Hannah has had a guy she really fancies round who she is trying to get with. The only issue is that he already has a boyfriend. Morally she should stop trying to split them up and he should know better, but if I was in a similar situation to her I would try and pursue it. The guy is being a complete moron and should stop leading her on or attempting to cheat on his girlfriend, whichever he is doing. But Hannah just can’t see that.

With all these events combined, I have to say I don’t have a very high opinion of the opposite gender at the moment. If girls could show me they are not all bitchy all the time then perhaps I would like them more.

At this point, things can only get better. Actually that’s probably not true but things will be really, really awful if they get any worse.

Steve

The Beginning

There was a time when I was much happier. Back in 2009/2010 I was in a very happy relationship. I also had loads of mates at the Sixth Form I studied at. Those were the days. In April last year my ex-girlfriend spontaneously decided we should split up. I was devastated but I thought perhaps it wasn’t over at all as we continued to meet up and even kissed at one point. Three months after the split and she was on her second boyfriend after me. All the things she said to me about being close and everything and it just wasn’t true. I was devastated that she moved on from me so quickly and quite angry that fate has made her happy but not me.

Still, I gradually got over it, not that I’ll ever be properly over it, and did my A-levels. I did OK and got into the university I wanted to go to. The prospect of going to a university where there are eight girls to every guy was pretty pleasing. But things didn’t turn out the way I hoped. There were a few attempts at getting with girls but nothing happened. This would have all been OK if I had made a brilliant band of friends but I can’t say I have. Of course there are a few people I hang out with and get along with but it seems unlikely I’ll ever even speak to them once we’ve left uni. And what’s worse is that all but my two best mates have completely abadoned me. They never speak to me and the idea of meeting up actually seems horrific to them.

So that’s my situation right now. I’m just steadily going through life with little excitement or even enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong, I do have good times but they seem to be few and far between nowadays. The purpose of this little blog is to share my experiences with life, especially my encounters with the females of the species. Will anyone ever Lay all their love on me? Only time will tell…